Portrait of a Perfectionist: The Sneaky Ways Perfectionism Shows Up In Your Life

Let me introduce you to Perfectionism—the one behind all those sneaky signs of perfectionism you might recognize in yourself.

If we were at a party and I pointed her out, you’d probably say, “Oh, we’ve met already.” Because most people think they know her. She’s the one with the color-coded calendar and the immaculate attention to detail. She’s the one with sky-high standards, who somehow always gets things done and makes you wonder if she has more than 24 hours in a day.

But that’s not actually Perfectionism. That’s just one of her disguises.
So let me properly introduce you; maybe you’ve seen her in the mirror. 

Perfectionism keeps her struggles private until she’s fixed them

Everybody loves a comeback story, right? The before-and-after, the rise after the fall. And Perfectionism loves that too — as long as she gets to skip the “fall” part.

She admires people brave enough to show the mess while they’re in it.
She loves that for them.
She just can’t bring herself to do it too.

Because if she admits she’s struggling, what will people think?
That she’s a fraud? That she doesn’t have it all together? That she’s not as capable as they thought?

So she hides the cracks. She smiles through the burnout. She shares the good days and keeps quiet about the bad ones. She tells herself she’ll open up when she’s better — when she’s back on her feet, when she can wrap it all up with a lesson.

So she stays silent through the hardest parts. She processes everything alone. And people think she has it all figured out, which only makes her feel more isolated. Because the truth is, she’s struggling too. She’s just really good at hiding it.

Perfectionism can’t enjoy something unless she’s good at it immediately

If there’s one thing Perfectionism hates, it’s being a beginner.
She’s so used to praise, to being recognized for what she can do, that being bad at something feels like a threat to her entire identity.

Logically, she knows you can’t be immediately good at everything. She’d tell anyone else that being a beginner is normal. Necessary even.
But for her, it feels unbearable.

So that photography class she’s been curious about? She convinces herself she doesn’t have time.
That thing she’s been dreaming about since she was a kid? She’s too old to start now anyway.
That skill that lights her up when she imagines it? She probably wouldn’t be good at it — so why even try?

She tells herself she’s being realistic. Practical. Rational.
But really, she’s just protecting herself from the sting of being bad at something, from the vulnerability of trying and struggling, from the possibility that people might see her as anything less than competent.

So she stays in her shrinking comfort zone, secretly aching for the things she’ll never let herself try.

Perfectionism needs to be the “low-maintenance” one

Perfectionism doesn’t want to be a burden.
She doesn’t ask for favors. She prides herself on never needing help.
And if someone asks her preference, she replies with “whatever you want is fine.” 
People always say she’s so easygoing. So likeable.

But what they don’t know is that she’s terrified.
Because if she has needs, if she asks for too much—maybe people won’t want her around anymore.

So her relationships stay surface-level. She disappears into other people’s preferences.

People love her
… or at least, they love the version of her that never needs anything.
But nobody really knows her.
Sometimes, she doesn’t even know herself anymore.

She’s surrounded by people — and still, so, so lonely.

Perfectionism can’t start until the conditions are perfect

Perfectionism is always waiting for the right time.

She needs the perfect setup before she can begin.
The right tools.
The right environment.
The right amount of time stretching ahead of her.
She can’t possibly start when things are less than ideal.

She’ll start writing when she can fully dedicate herself to it.
She’ll launch her idea when she’s learned just a little bit more, when she’s absolutely ready, when everything is aligned.

But the perfect conditions never quite arrive. There’s always something slightly off.
The timing isn’t quite right.
She doesn’t have enough uninterrupted time.
Maybe next week will be better. Or next month.

So she waits. And plans. And prepares. And tells herself she’s being strategic, but really, she’s just not starting.

She protects her potential by never testing it.
Which means she gets to keep believing in it forever.
But the years pile up—full of things she was going to do when the time was right.

Perfectionism turns her hobbies into obligations

Perfectionism used to love reading.

She loved getting swept away into other worlds, losing track of time, putting real life on pause for a little while. It was one of the few things she did just for pleasure, just for herself.

Then she started tracking how many books she read.
Just for fun, she told herself. Just to see.

But somehow, tracking turned into goals. And goals turned into pressure.
Now she’s two books behind schedule, so she reads when she’s not really in the mood because she has to catch up. She wonders if she should be reading faster. She doesn’t let herself put down a book she’s not enjoying because if she doesn’t finish it, it won’t count.
And if it doesn’t count, all that struggle will have been for nothing.

Reading used to be an escape. Now it’s another thing on her list to optimize.

She does this with everything.
The guitar she bought sits in the corner because she’s not practicing “correctly.”
The journal she started has rules about consistency.
The Sunday morning yoga class became a streak she can’t break.

Hobbies aren’t for joy anymore. They’re for improvement and proof that she’s using her time productively.

And slowly, all the things she used to do just because they made her happy become things she has to do.
Things she’s failing at. Things that stress her out.

Until one day she realizes she doesn’t actually have hobbies anymore. Just more ways to feel like she’s not doing enough.

It’s one of the sneaky signs of perfectionism—turning joy into obligation.

Perfectionism mistakes rest for laziness

Perfectionism prides herself on her work ethic and her ambition. She has a to-do list that regenerates faster than she can check things off, and when she’s not working her mind is going over all the things she has yet to get to. There’s always more to do.

When she’s resting the guilt churns her stomach and her mind is spinning with thoughts like; Did she do enough today? Is she allowed to rest? Has she earned it yet?

Rest is uncomfortable, it feels like she’s being lazy. Like she’s falling behind while everyone else is getting ahead.

She tells herself she’ll rest when everything is done and she’s caught up.

But that day never comes, because for Perfectionism, “done” is always one more thing away.

Perfectionism gives incredible advice she doesn’t follow herself

Perfectionism is the person all her friends turn to for advice.
She’s patient and compassionate and can always make people feel better about themselves.

She’s the first to say, “You’re being too hard on yourself” when a friend is spiraling.
She’ll tell them they’re worthy exactly as they are. That mistakes don’t define them. That they don’t have to earn love or belonging.

She believes it, too … For them.
But she can’t extend the same grace to herself.
When she messes up, the rules change.
When she‘s struggling, suddenly all that compassion disappears.

So she stays trapped in this exhausting double standard. Generous with everyone else, merciless with herself.

So now you’ve met Perfectionism.
Do you recognize her in yourself?

She’s multi-faceted, showing up in different ways for different people.
These are just some of the sneaky signs of perfectionism.

And there isn’t just one kind of perfectionist — there are many.
If you’re curious which one you might be, take my short quiz and get to know yourself a little better.